Emotion Regulation and Co-Regulation for Parenting Success

Anger, Defiance and Meltdowns, Oh My! What is happening and what to do about it! Bette Levy Alkazian, LMFT www.BalancedParenting.com bette@balancedparenting.com 818-929-2560 Bette Levy Alkazian, LMFT - Balanced Parenting, bette@balancedparenting.com, 818-929-2560, 2023.

What if our kids behavior is really just a cryptic message? Kids often don t know what they are feeling They often don t know why they do what they are doing Kids are often unable to articulate what is bothering them so they have to act it out in the hopes that we will figure it all out for them What if we are completely missing the point when we discipline our kids for their bad behaviors ? Many experts contend and the science shows that kids need more compassion than discipline Adults have to have the roadmap for kids to learn emotion regulation, emotional intelligence and to develop interpersonal and coping skills Bette Levy Alkazian, LMFT - Balanced Parenting, bette@balancedparenting.com, 818-929-2560, 2023.

The hard part Most of us don t have the roadmap ourselves and were not raised by parents who knew this, understood this nor did they have the coping skills to model and teach us Many adults don t have healthy coping skills, but rather turn to coping mechanisms to get through life Alcohol (or other mind/mood altering substances), gambling, sex, shopping, food, and other ways to dissociate from life and get a buzz Few of us were taught healthy ways of dealing with our emotional life Raising kids, we are challenged to learn about emotional intelligence so we can teach our kids Bette Levy Alkazian, LMFT - Balanced Parenting, bette@balancedparenting.com, 818-929-2560, 2023.

Lets start with Regulation: Regulation Co-Regulation Self-regulation What is regulation? A person's ability to effectively manage and respond to an emotional experience. What is co-regulation? The process through which children develop the ability to soothe and manage distressing emotions and sensations from the beginning of life through connection with nurturing and reliable primary caregivers. What is self-regulation? Control over oneself, i.e., control over our thoughts, emotions, impulses, appetites, and/or task performance. Bette Levy Alkazian, LMFT - Balanced Parenting, bette@balancedparenting.com, 818-929-2560, 2023.

Coping Skills What are they? an adaptation to environmental stress that is based on conscious or unconscious choice and that enhances control over behavior or gives psychological comfort. Knowing what we are feeling, what our feelings are called and what to do with them to get through the hard stuff and feel better in a healthy way How do we teach them? We do lots of emotion education, we raise our kids insight about what is happening, we talk about choices in behavior and skills that can be used in the hard moments, as well as tools to use when it s not hard, but that will help when it is like mindfulness Bette Levy Alkazian, LMFT - Balanced Parenting, bette@balancedparenting.com, 818-929-2560, 2023.

Coping skillsGreatest Hits Deep breaths Running, exercise, dance, etc Cold water splash, dunk, shower, etc Journaling/Creative endeavors Music Meditation Nature Connection with a safe person Bette Levy Alkazian, LMFT - Balanced Parenting, bette@balancedparenting.com, 818-929-2560, 2023.

What our kids really need to feel loved Curiosity Compassion Connection Our presence To feel safe, seen and soothed Secure attachment To feel seen, heard, understood, cared about, acknowledged Bette Levy Alkazian, LMFT - Balanced Parenting, bette@balancedparenting.com, 818-929-2560, 2023.

What our kids DONT need to feel loved For us to fix everything For us to step in Our opinions / judgments Phones/social media Bette Levy Alkazian, LMFT - Balanced Parenting, bette@balancedparenting.com, 818-929-2560, 2023.

More ways to help through the rough moments Reflect back what you notice is happening (Insight) Show compassion for what they are going through (Seen) DON T FIX IT if you fix it, it makes them feel like you don t have faith they can fix it Sitting in it with them teaches them how to tolerate the discomforts of life Be present for them while they figure out what they want to do about it or time simply makes it better Be available if they want suggestions or to role play what might be a hard solution Bette Levy Alkazian, LMFT - Balanced Parenting, bette@balancedparenting.com, 818-929-2560, 2023.

Grit! Avoid curling parenting don t go out of your way to smooth the way Be aware of your own history, traumas, childhood and how that impacts what you see in your kids. Mirrors? Don t do things for your kids that they can do for themselves Talk about life being hard! Invite hard things! What was the hardest part of your day? How did you get through it? View failure as a gift Make observations without praise self-praise = self-esteem Bette Levy Alkazian, LMFT - Balanced Parenting, bette@balancedparenting.com, 818-929-2560, 2023.

How to talk to our kids Keep in mind that their behavior is a signal, not a sign that they are out of control or going to become jerks Use connection, curiosity and compassion first! Yes, boundaries have to be drawn too, but probably less often than you d think Raise their insight and reflect back what you observed (without judgment) Talk about the feelings that must have been involved and empathize with how hard that must have been or how yucky that must feel No need to fix anything or require an apology. Talk about what they could do instead the next time Bette Levy Alkazian, LMFT - Balanced Parenting, bette@balancedparenting.com, 818-929-2560, 2023.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE! bette@balancedparenting.com @balanced.parenting - Instagram Balanced Parenting - Facebook Bette Levy Alkazian, LMFT - Balanced Parenting, bette@balancedparenting.com, 818-929-2560, 2023.