Mastering Intentional Communication for Positive Interactions

The Art of Intentional The Art of Intentional Communication Communication Tyler Smith Associate Ombuds NIH Ombuds Office Leslie Pont Manager, NIH Wellness Programs Office of Research Services Wednesday, January 22, 2025

Identifying Patterns of Conversation Identifying Patterns of Conversation In Closed Open Between What causes you to switch from open to closed and then open again? Learning how to switch out of defensiveness and into an open, receptive state of mind is key. (Chapman, 2019) 2

Communication Approaches Communication Approaches Assertive Aggressive That s a fair point, and I think going a different route might be more useful because Directness No, that s a terrible idea. Passive- Aggressive Passive We can do whatever you d like. If you really want to go that route that s fine Tactfulness 3

Intentional Communication Intentional Communication Being fully present and engaged in conversations, aware of both verbal and non-verbal cues, and speaking/listening with purpose, aligning words and actions with values, and being aware of the impact on others. Enhances understandings, increases efficiency, strengthens relationships, and fosters trust. Why does it matter? 4

Intentional Listening Instead of Try Being fully present Bringing openness and curiosity to the interaction Giving people space Checking your intentionsfor interrupting Paying attention to internal thoughts/reactions Watching body language and listening for tone Reflecting back what you heard and asking questions Multi-tasking Interrupting or defending Planning your response Finishing sentences Judging what someone is saying before they finish Only focusing on specific things Comparing your thoughts and experiences to others Ignoring your own "cues" 5

Responsive v. Reactive Responsive Reactive Evaluates Self-regulates Long-term outlook Compromising Manages triggers Impulsive Self-preservation Short-term outlook Uncooperative Succumbs to triggers Emotions are meant to be consultants not leaders of our interactions. We should let them show up, but we don t have to hand them the keys to the car. 6

GroundingYourself Recognize Pause Evaluate Start Again Acknowledge Know your triggers and what they mean The goal is not to remove them Slow down, pause, give yourself time to process Consider your options and goals Reset/Refresh the conversation 7

Listening & Observing The Defensive Wall A sudden shift to defensiveness, curtness, or sarcasm can mask hidden hurt or vulnerability around a particular topic. The words actually stated and their meaning Feelings stated or implied in the communication Things you know or are aware of that relates but is not explicitly communicated Content, Feelings, Context The Jumbled Narrative Difficulty expressing themselves clearly, jumping from thought to thought, could indicate buried anxiety or confusion. Much of how we make sense of communication comes from something other than the actual words Pay as much attention to the how as the what Example: I didn t say he stole your money Energy, Tone, Paralanguage, & Body Language Physical Tells Changes in tone, fidgeting, or withdrawal may signal discomfort or unexpressed emotions about something. (Katz & McNulty, 1994) 8

Reflective Listening Meaning (Content & Feelings) Content Feelings It sounds like, from your point of view It seems like, in your experience If I m understanding you correctly, as you see it So, it sounds like you think So, I understand you believe What I think I m hearing you say is that It sound like you feel/felt It sound like you re feeling (or felt) You sound You seem You appear _____ about _____ You seemed _____ about _____ It sounds like you feel /felt (feeling word) because (content)... It seems like you feel _____about _____. It sounds like you feel ______ when ______. It sounds like you feel _____ that ___. (Katz & McNulty, 1994) 9

Listening Practice

Access Menti https://www.menti.com/ altjvgrhrhqv OR 11

Intentional Speaking Instead of Try Taking a pause Taking into consideration the other person Acknowledging emotions and what they signal Being intentional (and clear about your intent) Speaking from your own perspective (stating inferences as inferences and using I statements) Balancing advocacy (needs, requests) with inquiry (questions) Rushing to share your thoughts Disconnecting from body/emotions Reacting instead of responding Pushing your own agenda Trying to prove a point (or win ) 12

Non-Violent Communication Principles Feelings Express how the situation made you feel without blaming others. Needs Clarify the unmet need that led to the feeling (what s missing or being challenged). Observation Describe what happened without judgment. Request Make a clear request for what you would like to happen. "I know we have limited time in our meetings and there are a lot of exciting things to discuss. I also want to ensure that everyone feels heard and that all ideas are given the space to be discussed in full when we meet." "I began to feel concerned after that happened a few times because it makes it harder for others to share their ideas and could impact their willingness to do so in the future." Would you be willing to let others finish their points before responding, or perhaps hold space for them to finish if you have a strong point to make?" "During the last two team meetings, I noticed that when others were sharing thoughts, you interjected with your own thoughts before they were finished speaking." (Rosenburg, 2003) 13

Consider Your Questions Flowing Maximizes your curiosityand interest in the other person and minimizes bias and preconceptions. Humble Inquiry When you get curious about a particular thing the other person is telling you and choose to focus on it; steering the conversation and influencing the other person. Diagnostic Inquiry When you insert your own ideas but in the form of a question. Question may still be based on curiosity or interest, but it is now in connection to your own interests. Confrontational Inquiry Shifts the conversational focus onto the conversation itself instead of continuing with the content of the conversation. Process-Oriented Inquiry Steering (Schein, 2013) 14

Example Questions Confrontational Inquiry Process-Oriented Inquiry Humble Inquiry Diagnostic Inquiry Help me understand Tell me more about What is happening? Can you give me an example? What are you hoping for? How can I help ? What else? How do you feel about that? Why do you think that happened? What have you/we tried so far? What are you/we going to do next? How do you think people might react to ? Did you do that because ? Shouldn t you try? Did that not make you angry/excited? Why didn t you say something to them? Have you thought of ? What is happening here? (in the conversation) Are you upset right now? Did I upset you? What do you think is happening in our conversation? Are we OK? (Schein, 2013) 15

Using Collaborative Language Using And instead of But (or yes, and ) Enables discussion to foster more genuine curiosity, instead of predatory listening Communicates I hear you, I see what you re saying, and your voice is valued. Creates a healthier dynamic in times of disagreement I hear what you re saying, and I appreciate you sharing that perspective, andI don t think Yes, that is an important point/perspective, and I am wondering if there is another perspective to consider Yes, I can certainly appreciate why you would feel that way (or experience it that way), and I think there might be a misunderstanding about my intention (Killerman & Bolger, 2016) 16

Questions: Before, During, After Am I speaking clearly and directly? Am I using language that aligns with my values and intentions? Am I staying present, engaged, and listening in the moment? How am I responding (or am I reacting)? What emotions am I feeling right now? How are they influencing my communication? Am I aware of the other emotions in this conversation? What might my body language be telling the others? What non-verbal signals am I picking up from them? Am I adjusting my communication based on the needs of others? What is my intention for this conversation? Am I clear on what I want to communicate? What do I want the others to understand or feel after our interaction? What do I want to understand or how do I want to feel after this interaction? Am I in the right emotional state to communicate? How might my emotions influence my communication? How did I feel during and after the conversation? Did I achieve my intention for this conversation? Was there a moment in the conversation where I could have communicated more intentionally? What did I learn from this conversation that I can apply in future interactions? DURING THE POST-CONVERSATION CONVERSATION REFLECTION BEFORE SPEAKING 17

Resources NIH Ombuds & Wellness@NIH NIH Ombuds Office Website: https://ombuds.nih.gov/ Phone: 301- 594-7231 Email: ombuds@nih.gov Wellness at NIH Website: https://wellnessatnih.ors.od.nih.gov Phone: 301-451-9299 Email: nihwellness@nih.gov 18

Closing Questions https://www.menti.com/ al9x9e783qbi

References & Additional Resources Alessandra, A. J., & Hunsaker, P. L. (1993). Communicating at work. Simon & Schuster. Caspersen, D. (2015). Changing the conversation: The 17 principles of conflict resolution. London: Profile Books. Chapman, S. (2019). How mindful communication makes us more compassionate. Retrieved from: https://www.mindful.org/stop-go-wait/ Katz, Neil dan Kevin McNulty. (1994). Reflective Listening Rosenberg, M. (2003) Non-Violent Communication. Puddle Dancer, Encinitas. Stone, D., Patton, B., & Heen, S. (2011). Difficult conversations: How to discuss what matters most. Portfolio Penguin. 20

Advancing the Conversation Advancing the Conversation AskingQuestions for more Information Clarifying Something Help me understand how you feel/what you think about _______. What are your thoughts on _______. Help me understand what you mean by _______. What questions/ideas do you have about _______. What impact do you believe this will have on _______. What s most important to you? How do you see the problem here? I want to make sure we are both/all on the same page about From what you said, it makes me wonder if there is confusion about I believe there might be a misunderstanding about For right now/today, it would be helpful if I want to be honest/realistic about what I think we can do/address in this conversation, so . 21

Advancing the Conversation Advancing the Conversation Sharing Perspective/Information Making a Suggestion or Request Taking into consideration what you shared/need/we discussed, I think one thing that would be helpful is if It would be helpful to me/us if Can I suggest that we consider . What do you think about Would it be helpful if We/I need you/everyone to ____ because I want to be honest and transparent about both what is unknown and what is know. Right now So, can I share a thought about that ? In my experience thus far Let me try to explain [my understanding of] why we cannot... [My understanding is that] it is important for us to ____ because The main reason for this decision/approach is to... 22

Advancing the Conversation Advancing the Conversation Exploring Options Engaging in Problem-Solving While I don t think I/we can accommodate that, we can... Another option we can consider is You might be able to get some more information about options by speaking with Unfortunately, right now I m not sure what can be done to address this, and I know that is disappointing. I can at least talk to _________ and see if this is something that we can consider in the future. Earlier you mentioned ______ was important to you. What do you think about So, what do you think we could consider to What do you think it would require to . Do you have thoughts on what we can consider in order to At least one thing we can consider moving forward is how to address ________ 23