Understanding the Depth of Human Existence

10 The Unimaginable

I wish I wish I lived in the world my siblings live in, where they are appalled by some recent political events but are happy to spend their time gardening or travelling as tourists and playing golf, where law enforcement catches the perpetrators, where the biggest enemies are old age and cancer. I wish I lived in the world I lived in when I was young, where children played on the street and (as far as I knew) the neighbors looked after them safely. I wish I lived in the world I thought I lived in as a young adult, where God looked after those who tried to live good lives, and we could trust Him not to send us more than we could bear.

Things I Learned through this Work Early childhood is most important stage of life People do the most horrible things within families People can be more than one person What society knows as abuse is just the top layer of what goes on There is really a conspiracy, more than one, but not the ones the conspiracy theorists publicize High up people are involved in abuser groups Law enforcement and countries militaries engage in hidden torture etc. The extent of human capacity for evil is profound The holocaust continues, focusing on children

Some Things I Wish I Did Not Know Perpetrator groups collaborate and teach one another techniques of torturing children, splitting the infant mind, and training mind-controlled victims. It is psychologically sophisticated organized crime, which runs in families. There is a high level of national and international organization of these groups. Survivors bear the unbearable through dissociation, which is exploited by abusers to control those segmented brains, piece by piece. Many of us helpers do not have this ability. Some therapists work for the perpetrator groups. Some of them teach self- help techniques which are actually program triggers, sometimes in complete conscious unawareness.

A Growing Knowing It makes sense that we are marked by the work. The deeper I go into learning about extreme abuse, the more important it becomes for me to actively practice joy and space in my body and the somatic knowing of love and connection and ease, just so I can hold my growing knowing that the world is full of unspeakable harms, and that sexual harms are so commonplace that they feel like the fabric of society and our intergenerational shaping, the same as misogyny and racism and colonialism and war and all the forms of dominance and subjugation and that there is love and goodness and possibility for repair. Lysa Toye

Horrendous Sexual Abuse

Pedosexual Networks Bas Kremer of the Center for Knowledge on Transgenerational Organized Violence (TGOV) in the Netherlands sent me an article explaining why his group changed the name of what we are dealing with from Sadistic Ritualistic Abuse (SRA) to TGOV. They suggest we all do that. Their research delineates two primary groups survivors are involved with: one a closed transgenerational group which trains the children; the other a private pedosexual network which makes huge profits selling children for organized sexual violence. They note that most therapists do not understand the connection between the two groups. Therapists focus on the trauma; law enforcement focuses on the human trafficking. But these are deeply connected. Law enforcement is skeptical about ritual, Satanism, etc. but is very aware of the child trafficking.

Sexual Experiences of Victims 9 Children are forced to engage in mixed pain and pleasure and extreme sexual perpetration with one another, adults, dead bodies and animals. The child is masturbated while these other things occur. As the child gets older, s/he is introduced to the pleasure of having sex with younger children. This creates pedophilia. Pairing intense sexual pleasure with violence can lead to the creation of child parts who are incapable of empathy and associate sexual pleasure only with violence. Many survivors require violence to reach an orgasm. Others require a child.

Treatment Recommendations Pedophilic and violent sexual offenders should be routinely assessed for dissociative disorders. It is possible to remove urges for harmful sexual behavior such as pedophilia, by processing memories which cause the split between pain or empathy parts and sexual pleasure parts Reconnecting sexuality with love and caring is a major task and can only be attempted after other recovery work. Celibacy may be preferable in the meantime.

Effects of the Sexual Abuse (a survivor s statement) o Patterns of vulnerability: early sexual abuse incidents left me with fear/compliance patterns; I drew abusers throughout childhood, on into adulthood (despite discreet presentation.) o Sought a good father/mother/mentor: I longed for respectful interchange, a clean kind fatherly hug; predators easily groomed me, moving towards sexual exploitation. o Few real-life healthy marriage templates: difficulty verbalizing needs when in a sexually intimate space; marital coitus (though nice to be viewed as attractive), I was beset by internal conflict due to graphic flashbacks and pain. o Physical sexual injury: I had chronic groin/vaginal soreness/pain.

First Tasks in Sexual Recovery 12 Learning to accept the body you have Getting in touch with your body and your senses Figuring out your sexual orientation Dealing with sexual acting out Figuring out your sexual values Partner communication Then, if a survivor chooses to attempt full sexual healing, there are many more steps. Many survivors choose not to go further with this. Tell me I never have to have sex again.

Steps in Sexual Healing (Becoming Yourself, pp. 255-274) 13 Getting to know your personality system Accessing your history of sexual victimization Facing up to your history of sexual perpetration Having victim parts share their feelings with perpetrator parts, to stop perpetration Working through all the sexual training memories of victim and perpetrator parts Dealing with your history of "breeder" pregnancies (if your body is female) Solo sex Noticing and permitting unusual arousing thoughts or fantasies without acting on them in inappropriate ways Sex with a kind, patient and non-threatening partner Learning not to allow yourself to be used Giving sexual parts permission to love your sexual partner, and Allowing yourself sexual enjoyment with this partner

Perpetrator Groups Activities in the larger World (much information here is from Wendy Hoffman and in From the Trenches)

Assassin Training Little girls are trained to seduce, perform lap dances, drop pills in victims drinks, and escape as the victims become drowsy, sick, or die. Also to pull the triggers of guns. Kids are trained to aim at archery and shooting ranges. For the big job they are trained to arrive at the destination, switch, position themselves, switch, aim, switch, watch for handler s signal, switch, practice aim and reposition, switch, obey a signal, switch, shoot, switch into a part who knows nothing about what just happened. The same part does not perform the whole act. A sequence of 7 to 10 parts, isolated from the rest of the brain, are trained with a metronome to hypnotize and a stick pounding to accelerate the switches from one brain part to the next. A sequence of songs in the head can be used. Words, hand and foot signals, icons, or sounds open the program. Assassins have suicide pills. Some are trained to stay put and be captured, some to run and be captured, some to escape. They are kept as fringe citizens. Other killers shooting from other directions disappear undetected; the known assassin is discovered with a gun. There are cult people among the investigators.

Politicians Use of Victims The major cults select persons among their members who are scheduled to be in political power eventually. Victims are trained to service these people as sexual slaves, memorizers, and messengers. Memorizers are taught to use their brains as a camera or tape recorder, recording words and documents. Messengers deliver elite drugs and/or messages and instructions in writing. Some are trained to assassinate politicians. The perpetrator groups work hard to disguise politically visible perpetrators identities to victims.

Gang Wars and the Bandwagon There is training for joining an angry cause, e.g. on an online discussion board for survivors, a freedom convoy , a political group, and doing or saying whatever you are told to do or say by the leader. You will always follow your leader. You will always join your team. You will always protest when they protest injustice. Injustice is the key false-word. You express the anger while your team leader is quiet. Sometimes you will not know who your team leader is. You are the voice for justice . This is a government command.

Gathering Survivors Survivors are told where to live. Cult neighbourhoods. Dumping grounds. Cult retirement communities. Properties around graveyards. In some cases, parts are trained to remain loyally with one religious group, which has enough members of the perpetrator group in leadership to control victims through out life. Conferences for survivors, websites, online discussion groups are all infiltrated by programmers and spies and slaves who give triggers on behalf of programmers. Some resources for survivors are actually run by perpetrator groups.

Recognizing Cult Therapists (Plants) Coincidental timing of the survivor getting to see them Over-friendliness, appearing to have too much in common with the survivor, or flattering them Too much forgetfulness Lack of compassion, operating from just intellect Knowing too little about areas in which they claim expertise Being rigidly attached to one approach, speaking as if reciting without tolerating interruption Twisting the truth about other people, accusing innocent people of being perpetrators or plants; making accusations against one another to confuse us all Entitled, demanding, or demeaning behavior

Recognizing Plants in Survivors Social Situations Coincidental timing of the meeting with the survivor Over-friendliness, appearing to have too much in common with the survivor, or flattering them People who know more than they should about ritual abuse, mind control, abuser networks, dissociative disorders Too much forgetfulness Entitled, demanding, or demeaning behavior; unexpected rudeness The wonderful new friend may be the new handler.

How The Groups Kill Survivors (or more rarely Therapists?) Preferred method is to make homicide look like suicide. Overdosing a victim with his or her own pills. Slitting a drugged survivor s wrists. Tampering with a survivor s (or a therapist s) car. Having a suicide soldier drive into the survivor s car. Pushing someone off a bridge. Ordering them to jump off a building. Slipping poison into someone s food, especially at events. Putting cyanide pills on top of someone s usual pills.

Major Issues in Healing

Losses and Deprivations of Survivors 23 Childhood pets killed For many, their only friend was killed Their babies killed or stolen For those whose families were abusers, the permanent loss of family Family means abuse and neglect and torture Isolation from peers who don t understand Victims forbidden to have friends outside the perpetrator group Years spent with therapists who don t understand For older survivors, the chance to live a fulfilling life For many, poverty, lack of financial security

Normal Experiences Survivors Never Had Parents who didn t abuse them; good role models Emotional security and bonding, someone they could trust Physical safety and health Healthy brain development with sufficient sleep Enjoyment and play Relationships with friends Chance to relax rather than being in constant overdrive Education which developed their true abilities and interests Independent thought Ability to know and meet their own needs and develop purpose Healthy development of sexuality in loving relationships

Physical Effects of the Abuse Most victims have chronic inflammation and pain with injuries to the neck/spine, joints vagina/urethra, anus/rectum, abdomen/large intestine The ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) Study shows that most severe and chronic illnesses are more common on the basis of how many different kinds of adverse childhood experiences the victim experienced. Our clients, of course, have the most.

Chronic Physical Symptoms (survivor account) physical/psychological pain, body pain (leg/arm/bone), abuse-caused inflammation of cranium/face/neck/spine/coccyx; migraines (average weekly), headaches (daily) vagina (pain, scarring, dysbiosis, and dyspareunia), urethritis, anal damage (small protruding flap after anal rape injury), skin irritation, sinusitis, burning eyes, lung-oxygen insufficiency/low-grade chronic asthma impaired digestion, food intolerance, abdominal cramps, eating disorders sleep deficit, chronic exhaustion

Denial Denial is programmed into survivors and is very tempting. Not knowing gives a survivor an illusion of a happy childhood and a loving family. Families involved in perpetrator groups offer survivors some semblance of family life in exchange for not remembering and not telling. We are tempted to deny the reality, along with our clients. Denial must be overcome in order to grieve. This is true for our clients and also for us.

Therapists Denial of Current Abuse Why do therapists not see when their clients are being tortured? We need to do due diligence to ascertain whether there is ongoing torture which is dissociated even when our clients are in therapy with us. Therapists' ears should perk up when clients say they left the cult at 14, 22, 35, etc. Professionals actually believe that is possible. Even when therapists know that ongoing abuse in adulthood happens (and most do by now), they still choose not to see. Wendy Hoffman (survivor therapist, author of 4 memoirs, beginning with The Enslaved Queen)

Major Issues in Recovery Recovering and expressing emotions Grieving for losses and deprivations Overcoming shame; developing self-esteem Becoming one person, a single self or, failing that, a cooperative system of selves with internal punishment at an end

Emotional Healing Anger needs healthy expression through art, noise, writing. Sadness needs to be cried out with someone who cares, overcoming the terrifying don t cry training. Booby traps installed by abusers involve despair, feeling unloved, with the emotions of parts who live in cages or in hell or in the garbage pit. Such insiders may see the whole world as like their abuse scenarios. They need to be rescued.

Grieving 31 As awareness of what has happened grows, survivors must grieve, one loss at a time, the loss of illusions about their life. Grief has always been meant to be shared. Religions of all sorts have arranged for people to sit together and share loss. In these mind control cults, however, grief and the parts that hold it are isolated, without comfort, or communion, or anything that will replace the loss.(Wendy Hoffman)

Dealing with Your Clients Grief 32 Don t dismiss or minimize the depth of your client s horrendous experiences and losses. Don t catch your client s depression and despair and paranoia. Allow the client s feelings to come into you but recognize they are not your own. Lean in but don t fall in. Your client needs a compassionate witness who doesn t minimize or overreact. Don t give answers. Just sit with a shattered soul. Seek knowledgeable supervision and peer support. Your client must grieve about what happened to them, and you must grieve about what happens in the world.

Self-Esteem for Survivors (Ideas from Wendy Hoffman) The real work of mind control is to make victims feel wretched about themselves. Perpetrators believe that reducing their victims self-esteem is a necessary condition of mind control. We are born thinking we are worthy of love, but that belief was systemically crushed. We have to rebuild it. One of the hardest jobs for mind controlled people is to believe in yourself. Programmers all mind controlled people have programmers make you think that you deserve nothing in life and are just a marionette on a tight string and a means for your controllers to get what they want. They are lying to you. You are not whom they attempted to make you to be. Programmers take an event that you innocently participated in, change the facts so that you think you did something bad and feel guilty. They show you fabricated pictures to prove your guilt. They want you to go through life thinking you are a bad person. To heal, you will need confidence, belief and trust in yourself. Perpetrators main weapon to have you not belong to yourself is their creation of amnesia with you.

Steps in Achieving Self-Esteem for Survivors (Hoffman) Step one: believe in yourself. No matter what you ve been taught about yourself, you are okay and deserve to be on earth. Start working to believe that. Step two: be kind to yourself. Think of ways to comfort yourself and give yourself what you want. Self-kindness grates against all the programs in you. Step three: you are not bad. Infants and children in you will feel the most unworthy. You may have to start with a front person and change those beliefs first. They will penetrate your inside system and reach your desolate children. Step four: learn who you are: Children who have been mind controlled never got the chance to learn who they are. Programmers usurped their potential identity. Controllers told them who they are, mostly lies. Step five: think for yourself. Stop letting other people hold your life. Begin to be aware that you do not think for yourself and that you are used to having others think for you. Many of those others are enemies. In your regular life, try to stop asking others to make decisions for you or avoid people who want to decide for you. Choose what you want, what you think is best. That is a muscle in your brain that has not been used but can be developed. Start with little or big things. Think. Begin the long journey into independence.

Further Steps Towards Self-Esteem Step Six: Try to rid yourself of emotions that perpetrators put in you and find out how you really feel. Step Seven: Don t accept blame.Mind controllers specialize in blaming victims. The programming goes something like this: you are bad because It s your fault that They make up scenes and events. Step eight: Forgive yourself.We have to forgive ourselves for what others do to us. It is not what we would have chosen to do. We have to forgive ourselves for being slaves. The only way out of this kind of entrapment is by becoming aware. It is not our fault that we were born into generational cults. It is not our fault that we had parents who were prisoners themselves and could not or were not willing to help their children. It is not our fault that mind control has reached new heights and is hard to decipher, hard but not impossible. All that is reason to respect yourself, value yourself, cherish yourself and fight. Fight for the right to be who you are. Not someone else s creation of you but who you really are on your own. There are pleasures in life, the pleasure of sleep, satisfying hunger, walking in the sun, shade, clean air. And the greatest pleasure, discovering who you are.

Wendys Words to Survivors I can t stress enough how we were not treated as people, how our bodies were considered objects to abuse, to use for perpetrators selfish desires. A part of you may think they were right, justified. That misinformed part may be buried deep inside but may be there feeding your thoughts and beliefs. They were not right. They are wrong. You are human and alive. Your body is part of you. It deserves respect, it is worthwhile, precious. It has integrity. Love: Self-esteem and love go together. People can t love unless they believe they bring something to the table. Enemies taught that the natural force within me turns into murder, that I had to suppress what earnestly comes out of me so as not to destroy. That I have to destroy my self in order not to destroy another or others. That I had to stunt development. That I could not grow. When they forbade love, they made me forbid my self.

Self-Love for the Integrated The new me looks back and feels love and tenderness for these old parts who no longer have to exist and perform. The strings of these marionettes are clipped, the chains of the slaves broken. They are free now. They reach out their arms to the new emerging self, the new emerging self reaches out their arms to them. They love one another. The essential is to love yourself, to comfort yourself, to be true to yourself. For many of us who have to leave our families behind, the self is the new family. Be kind, accepting, stick by yourself. It is what you have now. Wendy Hoffman

Integration? 38 Assume your client is polyfragmented and had years of abuse, so may need years of treatment. Work towards cooperative co-consciousness and improving the inner world where parts live. For some clients, this is the best achievable outcome. Forced integrations will traumatize front parts with unresolved memories and will come apart. Joining of parts happens naturally when memories they share are resolved. Child parts have been told that integration means their death. It doesn t. Have integrated parts let unintegrated parts know what it is like for them. Teach your client to work through some of his or her own memories to save years of therapy and also embarrassment about some memories. It s possible for all parts within a particular subsystem to fully integrate, while another subsystem remains untouched. Ongoing harassment targets the untouched subsystem.

Therapists Vicarious Traumatization

Vicarious Traumatization https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZsaorjIo1Yc https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1i7m1By8Nw https://ovc.ojp.gov/program/vtt/what-is-vicarious-trauma https://www.bma.org.uk/advice-and-support/your-wellbeing/vicarious- trauma/vicarious-trauma-signs-and-strategies-for-coping This is not the same as burnout. Burnout is from working too hard without a break. This is the effect of hearing horrendous stories, week after week, for years.

Why are Therapists Overwhelmed? The darkness and the horror of what has happened to our clients The vicarious traumatization from empathizing with persons who have suffered in the hidden Holocaust from birth onward Awareness that persons we have come to care about are being tortured on an ongoing basis, and may be harassed for years Awareness that many clients, especially older ones, may not be able to achieve high quality of life even after therapy The necessarily long duration of the work The complexity of the work (which is also an interesting challenge) The lack of sufficient clear guidelines on how to proceed (which provides room for creativity)

Symptoms of Vicarious Trauma Difficulty managing emotions Feeling emotionally numb or shut down Fatigue, sleepiness, or difficulty falling asleep Aches, pains, and decreased resistance to illness Loss of a sense of meaning in life and/or feeling hopeless about the future Relationship problems Feeling vulnerable or worrying excessively about dangers and loved ones safety Irritability, aggressive or explosive outbursts Decreased participation in activities you used to enjoy

Symptoms of Therapists Lingering feelings of anger, rage and sadness about client s victimization Overinvolvement emotionally with the client Bystander guilt, shame, self-doubt Preoccupation with thoughts about client outside work situation Horror and rescue fantasies Loss of hope, pessimism, cynicism Distancing, numbing, detachment, not listening Difficulty in maintaining professional boundaries, overextending self

Feeling Your Clients Emotions Feel with them but don t let those feelings take over Hold on to yourself and your perspective It s good to show you feel compassion and sadness (when these are genuine). Let the client see that you care but are not overwhelmed. It s like a parent with an upset child. Don t let their feelings overwhelm you; remain calm and confident, but mirror their feelings within your heart or soul.

Strategies to Reduce Risk to Your Own Mental Health ABC: awareness, balance, and connection Increase your self-observation Relaxing and self-nurturing activities, look after your physical and mental wellbeing Healthy work/life balance Realism about what you can accomplish Supply your client with tools for self-care; don t take it all on yourself Balance your caseload with non-victim clients Take regular breaks and time off Seek support from colleagues, debrief with peers Personal therapy

Some Ideas about Recharging Keep strong boundaries about private time Exercise every day Spend time in nature Spend time with friends outside of work Soothing the body soothes the whole self: baths, walking in nature, eating mangoes, getting comfortable as we watch TV or go to sleep, wear soft clothing, self-massage, always pet your pets and say hi to other pets (Ellen Lacter) Buy or grow or walk by and smell flowers, enjoy nice odors Limit other trauma exposures Watch enjoyable TV, read enjoyable books

Its an Honor I still struggle with traumatic overlays each time I see a small child or baby or animals. I experience intrusive thoughts. My experiences would technically be considered as PTSD. But excuse my language who f***ing wouldn t experience this, doing what we do? If we don t bring in the relational piece to session or don t lean into our empathy or don t make space to process what we ve just heard or witnessed, we couldn t do our jobs. Or, more importantly, be present with the incredible human beings whom we re honored to work with. Part of it is the cost of the work, part of it is a reason to give ourselves what we need more often and lean into sources of joy more than anyone else. - Kristen Muche When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace. Jimi Hendrix (on Ellen Lacter s peace pens)

Post-Traumatic Growth: Areas of Growth Appreciation of life and what we have Relationships with others the depth of our relationship with our clients and like-minded peers New possibilities in life moving into an area of work which challenges us and forces us to develop strength and creativity Personal strength we are amazed at what we have done Spiritual change we have a more realistic faith, based on reality not on wishful thinking or lies we ve been told

Sources of Hope for Us Knowing we ve helped someone Knowing we ve done something good Knowing we have the capacity to help Winging it and seeing that this worked Seeing detective work with a personality system pay off

How I Got Into The Field of Psychology I wanted to help people I wanted to know what makes people tick I recognized early that listening is paramount in encouraging healing I recognized early that trauma causes most mental illnesses I wanted to do real clinical psychology, not dispense medications. I read science fiction before it was popular, seeing what amazing things might happen. I read detective novels and learned to recognize clues.